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[Tuesday March 28th, 2006 at 11:35pm] It's probably quite silly, in fact I'm sure it is. But I've always been a little silly, fanciful like a child. But it's 10:30 and my eyelids droop and are heavy for want of sleep and my hair falls like a shimmering platinum curtain in my eyes and on the pillow in my girls room of leopard and lace and gardenia perfume. I miss you. Want you. It's something I've tried & tried & tried to talk myself out of. But I can't, because I can't quit reliving things occuring a week ago and I can't because I don't want to. I can't always let my head win even though I've done nothing but make mistakes when I think with--God forbid--my body or my heart. My mistakes come from impulse but I thrive on it. I want to see you. It doesn't satisfy me online or through phones. You live thousands of miles away--I want to be close to you, hear you say my name, hear you sing, touch you, lean on you like I did at 4:30 in a hotel bed and slide my hands under the waistband of your plaid print boxers. I want to meet you in an airport and be giddy and spin and spin and spin like I did under the lights of the Watergate in my movie-star coat. I want your warmth. The warmth of your state instead of the gray of mine. But I don't know what to say, really. "I feel the same way & more, so much more" you said. Do you want my flights of fancy, my bluest ocean eyes, my constant chatter, lilt of a singing voice? I do silly things I hate myself for. Like daydreaming. Rereading. You have the other half of the notes. I want you, but I wonder too, if we made a mistake. I can't stop wishing for you, seeking your body in the morning, remembering how you laid me down on carpeted penthouse stairs and how I could feel you thrum with excitement waiting to kiss me the whole night arm & arm at the Press Club. I kissed the spot between your neck and your ear. You brought me into your room and I would have let you undress me, peel away cardigan to learn my skin the way sculptors do. I remember the feel of you--light, hard, tight---like phantom pains, your heat, your breath---I save silly memories the way my grandmother saves Tupperware. I slid my fingers through yours, counterparts though you've got no callous from a poorly held pen. I hear you sigh while we kissed though I remember little about those first kisses, the sensory overload. You felt me shiver as your lovely wonderful hands traced a path from cheekbones to collarbones and lower. I whispered "yes" and bit your ear and I remember just how you smelled and what I would have given for one more day. The smell of lilies, the lazy patterns I drew over and over on your shoulders and knees and I was inhaling you like a drug as cliched as that sounds. All I want is to see you, really. To be young and easy and to sing and dance and I long for it cause I'll be far more beautiful in the sunshine. 4 cmnt?

Rebirth [Friday March 24th, 2006 at 10:37pm] I find it so difficult to start writing because all I can think of is you & you've changed my life, you & 100 others, we lived together 5 days & I miss you like family. But it's you I think of. I think of you on a darkened bus shyly glancing at me & me searching for your eyes in a crowd, we look so opposite. Light & dark, brown & blue. My red lips, your easy charm. I want you on a stariwell with carpet under my back, I'm only wearing a dress I love, one long zip and I'm yours. I want you to drink from my collarbones and I want you here, now, not thousands of miles away. There are so many things I love & I am so alone here but excited. You & I clicked but only on the third night, really, and to the end. We stayed up till 5:00 in a hotel bed and you were warm under my hands. Three very intense minutes both panting & sweating, kisses in an elevator we rode to the penthouse & back. You amazed me. I could never express it totally. I can write, but it overwhelms me to try. As always I am a cup full of words filled to the brim, a fizzy glass of champagne in a dress with one long zip. You were not him. It was relase. So easy. You, slight, dark, able to converse with me for hours, I was so honest with you & you said you could drown in my eyes & it was cliche but I ate it up. I could feel you trembling with my legs around you, your moan as I bit your lip, our connection in a room full of mirrors. It was you I wanted, I played so coy, you played right back. I don't want to forget you. I know I should, but I like to dive in foolishly and hit concrete though you said, "Let's go diving." & oh God the way you said my name. I could feel you behind me watching my movements as we played cat & mouse and passed pages of notes, I've never been so sexually attracted to anyone before. Your mouth on my neck, lower, hands sliding down my back and the curve of my hip when you thought nobody was watching, my ruby mouth and your perfect hands. Your kiss was perfection. I want you here, now. I want to be with you in sun & heat, in your bed, kissing you, morning sex. I sent you a message in my sleep, deep sleep, I'd been awake 36 hours. All day I missed you. I felt like Dorothy the last day. "I think I'll miss you most of all." I couldn't look at you when you left. It feels like a dream and it was I'm sure, I didn't want to cry. And you called today. You appreciate me. I could care less about Trevor now, he was so wrong, he wasn't riverboats & RENT & checkers & elevators. I remember you hard against me, your skin on mine when I slid my dress open for you, I would have let you fuck me on the stairs I wanted you so bad. You told me I was the most beautiful girl you'd ever seen when you saw me in my favorite dress & I loved your for it. "I've never wanted anyone so bad in my life." Oh I'm slipping into something awful & addicting but you are something awful & addicting. I am heavy with sleep. Sleeping & writing & thinking about your mouth on mine and my tongue down your skin. It was so fast but I don't regret it for a moment. Everyone changed me but I can't focus on them now. I wish on my eyelashes for you, you knew Edie Sedgwick, you beat me at checkers and I told you things I couldn't tell anyone I'd known two days. Your wandering hands, my coffee flavored kisses, you curled around me and my cold lithe fingers dancing around your waist and lower, I'd have had you everywhere. You just absolutely slayed me. Both of us skilled at our practice, but it was so new for me, Trevor never made me come and you send lightning through me. You knew me, your long, slow, lingering kisses on my gardenia Marc Jacobs neck. I wanted you outside under stars too full of ecstacies to say anything but my two-syllable name. I find myself unable to stop writing, filling up pages with you. I hunger for sleep but writing you makes you real. I want you & not just your sex. I want you here, or me there. You understand the importance of words, and it feels like nobody understands. 2 cmnt?

[Wednesday March 15th, 2006 at 8:47pm] Often, without you I am happy. I am fishnet stockings and pearl chokers and mink fur collars and all that jazz, and I function quite well. But when I see you, I pretend to be happier than I am, and it's like being dizzy--all glee and wonderment at the world spinning around you until it makes you sick. 2 cmnt?

[Monday March 13th, 2006 at 9:24pm] It's getting to the point now where I can finally admit you listened to the shittiest music ever. cmnt?

[Saturday March 4th, 2006 at 9:33pm] When I woke up this morning everything was foreign. Everything from the way the floor felt under my feet to clothes on my body, the texture of walls and the opening of my eyes to morning. Even the way my teeth rubbed together felt different, strange, out-of-body. And it stayed that way. I bit my nails, curled my hair, put perfume on my wrists, and everthing was foreign. When I woke up this morning I'd never felt so sad. The morning, eight o clock, weighed heavily on my whole body like someone sitting on my chest. When I woke up this morning I missed you so bad my fingers ached to reach for the phone. When I woke up this morning I hurt, I missed you so much I felt so empty and clichéd. But the feeling passed. cmnt?

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